What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 02:24
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Especially a lifetime of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why are Americans obese? Is it the food or is it the psychology?
But, we were locked up after school.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I write beautiful poetry .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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I have no regrets .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why do liberals refuse to define what a woman is and what does that mean for the future of feminism?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Did you know that we white women prefer Black boyfriends?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why did i forgive my father ?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My life is so biszare .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She loved him until the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She wouldn,t have been !
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Comes on , in middle age.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was seconnd youngest,
Who then, do I blame.?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I will be 64.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I don,t even have a pension.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was 9 years of age.
We were not on the streets..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We all went to grammer schools
I was very sick at this time too.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But it wasn’t much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im still living with it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He resisted the act ,that day.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Ive learnt so much.
I waited trembling.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My family never makes their pension either.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I think the readers, may guess!
I said to her
He knew the spot.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
All the time i was locked up.
What did i know ?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She was in good health!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She found it foreign!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And i lived it daily.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So, i spoilt her more .
I never cut or harmed myself..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
This is soul school!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was scared of men, in general
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I couldn’t, believe it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So whats the point in blame.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Would this be the day?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
When she asked me how she looked .
She married twice! .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One cannot live in the past .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i do to all so called friends.?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!